I saw her last about two months ago. I'd have to say I was probably at my "ideal" weight then - I was following my meal plan pretty well, still having slips, but nothing terribly major. I made the appointment for this week a few weeks ago when I was doing pretty poorly. I had lost into the double digits and really needed to make sure everything was okay, plus (this might be TMI) my bowels weren't moving - AT ALL. In between the time that I made the appointment and yesterday I have gained most (not all) of the weight back, but I'm still struggling pretty hard. And by pretty hard, I mean, probably relapsing again - sadly.
The nurse took my blood pressure (it was pretty low) and asked me to get on the scale. This is where I made MY mistake, not weighing backwards. I wasn't expecting the number to be as high as it was, but I know it's not just about the number. When the doctor came in she asked what was going on and I told her a little about what had transpired (obviously not everything because then we'd both be there for a week at least!) and asked her if she might call Dr. O's office and ask to get my appointment moved up because it was kind of necessary NOW not, three months from now. This is where things started to break down...rapidly.
She told me she didn't think I needed to go to Dr. O because all he would do is put a pic line in me and then I would never get better because I would be reliant on a pic line, or feeding tube, or whatever. I told her I didn't really care, I just knew that I needed to see him. She then says "well, you've only lost 4 pounds since the last time I saw you, so I'm not sure that this is that big or a problem yet." To which I retorted, "You didn't see me three weeks ago when I had lost 13 pounds since the last time I saw you. I've gained a significant amount of it back, and it wasn't easy." Then she says, "Well, you don't look malnourished." This is where I start fuming, on the inside, on the outside I keep my cool because I know there is know way anything is going to get accomplished by yelling at this retarded woman who obviously wasn't at the top of her medical school class. I just told her, "Well, I feel like shit".
I didn't bother telling her that it doesn't matter about the weight. BMI doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm SICK. What matters is that my behaviors are out of control. Is she aware that obese people can be malnourished? Obviously not. She says we will run my labs and then she will look and see if anything is out of whack and if it is she will call Dr. O's office. Again, I didn't bother to mention to her that she is probably unaware of the false positives that you can get with eating disordered patient's blood work. Things can look perfectly "normal" when they are REALLY wrong. Things can look slightly low or slightly high and they can signal big things, things that cannot be looked over. At least she's going to send me a copy of my blood work results, which I will take to my nutritionist who knows how to read these things and will be able to make sure things are a-okay.
I left with a few pretty complicated feelings. First, I was disgusted by the way she treated me. The things she said to me are things that one should NEVER say to an eating disorder patient. Which, I should add that she does agree that I do have an eating disorder, so it's not like we aren't on the same page here (cough, cough, Caroline). I was disgusted by the fact that I was coming in with questions and orders (for lack of better words) from people who work with eating disorders all day, everyday, and she pretty much scoffed at what they had to say! I don't understand!
I just feel all discombobulated now. She said those words that my eating disorder wanted to hear, "You don't look sick", "You don't look malnourished". Well, if I don't look sick, and I don't look malnourished then I obviously don't need help, right? Wrong. Everything in my right now wants to just run with it, take her challenge and show her just how sick I am, how sick I can be, how many pounds I can lose before I have to come back and see her because I'm on death's door - then she'll HAVE to get me into see Dr. O because I will NEED a pic line. But in reality, what good is putting all that energy and effort into that going to accomplish me? None. I know this. But I hate feeling so invalidated, by people who are supposed to be on my treatment team, by people who are supposed to be helping me get better. I'd have to say that she has done a pretty awesome job of not fulfilling her role correctly.
These days I'm praying for wisdom for this wayward doctor, peace within my soul to know that I am sick enough right where I am and for the need to prove myself worthy of help me lifted from my heart.
