So I went to my nutritionist appointment. After all of my worrying as to how she would react to my new plan of action suggestions, it went extremely well! She didn't even weigh me!! Actually, she has decided that she isn't going to monitor my weight anymore, we are just going to monitor lifestyle choices - unless something drastic happens and she or I decide that we need to go back to keeping track of my weight. I am quite happy about all of this.
I am excited about this new meal plan - or whatever we are going to call it. I'm excited because I have choice. I don't feel like I have to do what she says or else. If I drink a caffeinated beverage during the day I have to drink an extra 12 ounces of water, if I exercise more than 30 minutes three times a week I have to eat an extra snack for every extra 30 minutes, I have to supplement myself if I restrict or purge...but the point is, I have options. I have the options to exercise more, but I have to follow the "consequence".
On another hand I'm kind of terrified about this. It's going to be a huge challenge to hold myself to following these consequences. I can see myself saying "well, I've got permission to exercise more (drink caffeine, purge, restrict)" but then not actually follow through with the other half of the obligation that comes with those rights. I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to do it. Having choice is scary! But having choice is also very empowering. I feel like if I can do this, if I can hold myself accountable and follow through with what I have agreed to do I will feel so much more in control of my recovery, and thus more motivated. But we shall see how this goes!
What have I learned from this little experience with my nutritionist? That communication is key to my recovery. If I had continued the way I was, and never told her that what we were doing wasn't working and was making me feel like shit, I would have kept feeling like shit....and things would have continued to go downhill fast. I've always been and still am terrified of letting people know what I'm thinking and feeling - confrontation. But hopefully this experience - her hearing what I had to say, taking it into account, and helping figure out how to meet my needs - will help me realize that people really will care what I have to say, but I just have to get it out for them to even know how I'm feeling or what I need.
These days I'm praying for the ability to speak my needs (to my treatment team in particular) and for trust that they will be receptive to what I have to way as well as the strength and courage to follow through with the responsibilities that come along with my newly acquired choice.
