Being honest about my needs and feelings hasn't always been that easy for me. Ever since I was little I always have felt that stating how I felt or what I needed was futile - no one was going to listen to me anyways. I feel like how I feel is somehow wrong, so I should keep it to myself, or that what I need is somehow superfluous or selfish.
Since the "blowout" (for lack of better word) with my nutritionist a few weeks ago, I've done quite a bit of being honest about my needs and feelings. I should state that this did not come without prompting from my therapist. After a great deal of contemplating what I needed I mustered up the courage to shoot my nutritionist a e-mail and let her know my thoughts.
I stated that I felt like being on a meal plan or exchanges was setting me up for failure. And furthermore, that having "agreements" (somewhat like goals) every week was making it even worse. To reference last post, I told her that I was feeling like a failure and a fuck up every week because I couldn't do it. I couldn't meet my exchanges and my meal plan every day each week. I couldn't manage to fulfill the agreements to the fullest extent either. To give an example, one of my agreements for one week was to not drink any caffeine at all. Well, that's really hard when you are a student and it is midterms week. After I messed up one time I felt like it didn't matter anymore, because I hadn't done it perfectly, so I would just give up even trying for the rest of the week. I felt like if I even did it right for the rest of the week that my efforts would be futile, because I hadn't done EXACTLY what she had asked me to do.
I also said that I felt like it would be good for me to have negotiable options. I thought that if we could come up with options, with limits of course, that I would feel more empowered in my own recovery. I told her that with these options I also felt like there should be consequences for each option, consequences that we both agreed upon.
I was extremely surprised and relieved when I got an e-mail back from her saying that we could work with this and that I should come back sooner than later. I'm supposed to go back this week, instead of the two weeks from now that we set a few weeks back.
Normally one would think that I would be happy about this. That she was still willing to work with me and that she was going to work with me with what I feel will actually help me recover. HOWEVER, I'm just feeling quite blase these days. I'm blase about life. I'm blase about recovery. I'm blase about my eating disorder. I just feel blase about everything. I kinda feel like I don't understand what the point of recovery is, if life sucks either way you slice it. It sucks with an eating disorder. But it also still sucks pretty much just as bad without one. So, why recover in the first place? I keep thinking about canceling my appointment for this week, I mean seriously considering it. I HAVE gained since I saw her last, so that's good.
These days I'm praying for the continued strength to verbalize my needs and feelings and an understanding that recovery is ultimately the best option.
