These days I'm just praying for strength to keep pushing through, as I am running out of steam quickly.
Hey mom,
Firstly, I know this isn't the best way to tell you this and I am sorry - but I just wanted to fill you in on what is going on with me. And secondly, I miss you a lot and I'm glad that you are coming home on Saturday and I get to see you!
I know I made the decision at the beginning of this semester to not go to treatment and to continue with classes. When we determined that I did not have borderline personality disorder and things settled down a little bit I put on my rose colored glasses and thought that I was going to be able to handle things. I have in the past few weeks realized that I made the wrong decision - and I'm sorry. I know that I've been telling you that I'm fine, and I know deep down that you've known something isn't right (mother's instinct I suppose), but I've been too ashamed to tell you that I wasn't able to handle it. I can assure you that this has nothing to do with you being gone and out of the country - I've been holding on by a thread for a good long while, but I've been too afraid to say anything. I didn't want you to not go on your trip, I didn't want you to come home because of me, I didn't want to be a disappointment. And even now, saying that I need help, I feel like a disappointment because once again, I pretty much wasted a semester because I couldn't just pull it together and get what I needed to get done accomplished and with a high degree of perfection. I'm sorry mom, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I've been hiding things from you, because I know that trust is a huge issue with us and with me. I have become so good at hiding how things really are from other people that I've become extremely adept at hiding the truth from myself and it's only been recently that I've allowed myself to look at the situation honestly and see the truth for myself.
Lately I've been extremely depressed, anxious, and obsessed about food, weight, my body - it's just too much. Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is way too daunting to even think about, and I can't. I'm not suicidal, and if I were, I would say it - because I know that I am loved and that I have other options so please do not worry about that. I kind of have just felt like a hamster on a wheel, that just keeps having to run and run and run and I wasn't able to stop and I think I finally just hit the point where my legs gave out and I couldn't run anymore. I don't know exactly when it was but I just kind of quit going to class because life became too overwhelming. I have continued to get work done, but I'm really not sure that I'll be able to make good enough grades for my GPA to remain alright, so I may just need to medically withdraw. And I know it's like only a few weeks to the end of the semester, but I just really don't know that I have it in me at this point to get through finals. I've been trying really hard just to pull my life together, I've been doing everything that Dr. Thurstin has asked me to do. I'm on my meds. I know that this time, I am not going to be able to pull myself out of this without help. I just can't. I need to be able to get away and work on everything. And by get away, I mean AWAY, which I know you don't really like, but I think it would be best. I need to go somewhere where I can deal with my grief issues that I haven't really even begun to deal with, the family issues that I have been putting off dealing with, the anger issues with dad that I try and put out of my mind, and all at the same time have someone else take the responsibility of feeding myself and making food decisions out of my hands. Because right now I'm really stuck in my head all the time about eating, and not eating, and purging, and exercising, and how much weight I need to lose, and how fat I am.
I know you don't understand my eating disorder, I'm pretty sure that is common with parents with kids with eating disorders, so don't feel bad there. I don't expect you to understand, I just want support from you with what I know I need to do from here. With the help of my nutritionist I have found a treatment facility in St. Louis called Castlewood. I have called them and done an intake assessment, insurance will cover their day program which is the exact same as the residential program except that you aren't monitored overnight. My treatment team thinks that residential might be the best at this point, and Castlewood has offered us the option to pay an overnight fee, and insurance would be billed for day treatment. However, we would also have to pay the maximum out of pocket fee as well as the 200 dollars a night, and I am not sure that I'm okay with asking you to pay 10,000 dollars for me to go to treatment. The wait list for residential would be around 2 weeks. The wait list for the day program would be somewhere around six weeks to two months. I would like for you to take note that I have taken care of all of this by myself - called the facility, called insurance, and gotten all the information that I could get and that I knew would be necessary.
I like this program because it is very small, and it is very family oriented. They have many family weekends that they encourage family members to attend. You also get individual therapy four times a week, which is pretty rare for treatment facilities. I know that if you google it you will see that they are being sued by some women for "implanting false memories" but any treatment facility is going to have something wrong with them, because of the nature of the mental health field.
I don't want you to worry that I've talked to anyone outside of my treatment team about this and all my problems, because I haven't. I have kept my struggles private. No one from the school has been involved, no one from anywhere has been involved, so please know that I have kept the family and you in mind and just kept to myself. I love you very much and I'm sorry that I haven't just been able to pull my shit together and move on with life. I've tried and tried and tried, but I can't on my own and sometimes that is just how it is. I love you. I know it is mother's first instinct to pick up the phone and call but I think it would be best if we both just thought on this for a day and I can call you tomorrow from Dr. Thurstin's perhaps and we can all talk about it. I think that would be good. I am willing to be open to listen to what your thoughts are because I know that you love me and only want the best for me.
Love you dearly,
Harps
